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The other day a friend and I where discussing relationships. And at what point you call it a day. Obviously, ending some relationships is a no brainer. But we where discussing the relationships where people have changed. Where there is nothing particularly wrong "on paper" so to speak. But where that sense of belonging, the feeling of being in life together, is gone. Or if your emotional needs change, and as such are not being met by your partner. At what point do you put yourself and your needs ahead of your children and keeping their world a stable and happy place?
I think the answer is that there is no good answer.... There is no way of opting out without hurting someone. Life is messy. Too messy sometimes. So many people say better to be from a broken home than to live in one. Which I totally agree with. But what if the home is not entirely broken in the first place? What if there is no fighting? The people work well together to co-parent. The support each other in that capacity and others too. Just not on an emotional level. The kids would not even have a clue that there is something wrong. What do you do then? Do you continue to live the lie, essentially hurting only one person? Or do you opt out and turn several small worlds upside down? How the hell do you make such a decision?
This dilemma makes me grateful, in a way, that my separation and impending divorce morphed into the "no brainer" variety. So much easier to decide on the right course of action......
Friday, March 4, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Relationships....
Today a friend and I where discussing relationships. And at what point you call it a day. Obviously, ending some relationships is a no brainer. But we where discussing the relationships where people have changed. Where there is nothing particularly wrong "on paper" so to speak. But where that sense of belonging, the feeling of being in life together, is gone. Or if your emotional needs change, and as such are not being met by your partner. At what point do you put yourself and your needs ahead of your children and keeping their world a stable and happy place?
I think the answer is that there is no good answer.... There is no way of opting out without hurting someone. Life is messy. Too messy sometimes. So many people say better to be from a broken home than to live in one. Which I totally agree with. But what if the home is not entirely broken in the first place? What if there is no fighting? The people work well together to co-parent. The support each other in that capacity and others too. Just not on an emotional level. The kids would not even have a clue that there is something wrong. What do you do then? Do you continue to live the lie, essentially hurting only one person? Or do you opt out and turn several small worlds upside down? How the hell do you make such a decision?
This dilemma makes me grateful, in a way, that my separation and impending divorce morphed into the "no brainer" variety. So much easier to decide on the right course of action......
I think the answer is that there is no good answer.... There is no way of opting out without hurting someone. Life is messy. Too messy sometimes. So many people say better to be from a broken home than to live in one. Which I totally agree with. But what if the home is not entirely broken in the first place? What if there is no fighting? The people work well together to co-parent. The support each other in that capacity and others too. Just not on an emotional level. The kids would not even have a clue that there is something wrong. What do you do then? Do you continue to live the lie, essentially hurting only one person? Or do you opt out and turn several small worlds upside down? How the hell do you make such a decision?
This dilemma makes me grateful, in a way, that my separation and impending divorce morphed into the "no brainer" variety. So much easier to decide on the right course of action......
Relationships....
Today a friend and I where discussing relationships. And at what point you call it a day. Obviously, ending some relationships is a no brainer. But we where discussing the relationships where people have changed. Where there is nothing particularly wrong "on paper" so to speak. But where that sense of belonging, the feeling of being in life together, is gone. Or if your emotional needs change, and as such are not being met by your partner. At what point do you put yourself and your needs ahead of your children and keeping their world a stable and happy place?
I think the answer is that there is no good answer.... There is no way of opting out without hurting someone. Life is messy. Too messy sometimes. So many people say better to be from a broken home than to live in one. Which I totally agree with. But what if the home is not entirely broken in the first place? What if there is no fighting? The people work well together to co-parent. The support each other in that capacity and others too. Just not on an emotional level. The kids would not even have a clue that there is something wrong. What do you do then? Do you continue to live the lie, essentially hurting only one person? Or do you opt out and turn several small worlds upside down? How the hell do you make such a decision?
This dilemma makes me grateful, in a way, that my separation and impending divorce morphed into the "no brainer" variety. So much easier to decide on the right course of action......
I think the answer is that there is no good answer.... There is no way of opting out without hurting someone. Life is messy. Too messy sometimes. So many people say better to be from a broken home than to live in one. Which I totally agree with. But what if the home is not entirely broken in the first place? What if there is no fighting? The people work well together to co-parent. The support each other in that capacity and others too. Just not on an emotional level. The kids would not even have a clue that there is something wrong. What do you do then? Do you continue to live the lie, essentially hurting only one person? Or do you opt out and turn several small worlds upside down? How the hell do you make such a decision?
This dilemma makes me grateful, in a way, that my separation and impending divorce morphed into the "no brainer" variety. So much easier to decide on the right course of action......
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Musings on my Impending Divorce #3
I came home from hospital, I had a 4th degree tear and had needed blood transfusions etc as I had lost 4/5ths of my blood. So in short I was a bit of a wreck.After having dinner at my parents around the corner, we came home and I walked in the front door and there was stuff EVERYWHERE. The house looked like a bomb had hit it. There where not even any sheets on the bed. He didn't even have the excuse that he was busy with LM. She was at my parents the entire time. Mum came down to wash the sheets and put them back on the bed, but could not even get to the bed for clothes, and she didn't know where those clothes should be (Ex had emptied the entire contents of the clothes I had packed away all over the floor and just left them there) So at the end of a long day, when I should have been horizontal, I was left sitting in the lounge room at 8 at night waiting for him to put sheets on the bloody bed. I actually had to TELL him he had to do it.
The following night I heated up a quiche I had premade and frozen for my babymoon. When I requested that he clean the kitchen so I could go to bed with our son, I was told not to bother cooking again- that he would just have toast if he was hungry as he didn't want to have to clean. WTF??? I exploded over that, told him that funnily enough it wasn't all about HIM. That I needed to eat decent meals so I could feed OUR son. I ended up in tears in the shower, sobbing that I was married to the most selfish person of all time among other things. After that night he pulled his head in somewhat. For a few weeks he was somewhat helpful, holding H while I cooked/cleaned/showered etc. Taking him for a walk of an afternoon when he was home. When he was home is a pertinent point. I felt he was organising what work he had so that he was out in the evenings. I have since found out that was true (he denied it) because apparently he isn't smart enough not to say so to my best friends parents. But anyway, things hummed along not too poorly. But then things started going downhill around the time of his brothers wedding which was approx 5-6 weeks after H was born. First there was the bucks night. No worries. Then the night before the wedding his brother was having a bit of an emotional moment over the fact their father was not there. So I told my ex to go up there and offer some emotional support, which he did. The next day I had to get myself, LM and a newborn ready to go up the coast to the wedding alone. I get to where the family where staying and ex started out REALLY nicely by telling me everyone hated his shirt (which I had bought him) and told him to wear something else. Didn't just say this once, but went on and on about it. Then told me my outfit looked like a sarong. Then started going on about how NICE his younger sisters skankily dressed friend was. We go to the wedding, he basically ditches me for the entire night. Barely by my side at all. I leave to go home, he doesn't come with me. I am both relieved and disappointed in him at the same time. He says he will come back the following day after breakfast or early lunch with his family. The next day I am so sore I can barely move. I am in so much pain I am contemplating taking some pain killers- something I never do. At 2pm I call him to see where he is at, expecting that he will be on his way home. No. He is still up the coast and has drunk too much to drive (AGAIN a common problem) for another hour or so. I ask him to come home as soon as he is able, as I am feeling really sick with cramping etc and I need his help. He says he will come as soon as he can. I call him again at 3:30 to see where he is at. He has not even left yet. Says he is about to leave. 5:30 he still is not home. 6:30- still not home. 7:30- still not home so I call him. He has gone out to check on his younger sister and her skanky friend. I am so.so.angry. I keep my temper. Amazingly. But I am so angry I can barely speak to him. The following weekend we go to a friends place for a BBQ. He hits the drinks pretty hard. Around 8pm he walks us home and then insists on going back to play cards with J. I ask him not to, he has to work the following morning and we are relying on his finishing the job so we can pay the mortgage the following week. He goes anyway. I go to bed, and wake at 2am to feed H. Ex still isn't home. I am laying there feeding our small son and fuming. I just know he will have written himself off. When he starts, he just cannot stop. At around 2:30 I hear him stumble down the front steps. I hear him fumbling for what seems like 5 minutes to get his keys out of his pocket. And then what seems like another 5 minutes fumbling with the key in the lock. I hear him stumble into the house. And then straight back out the door again and yacking in the garden :/
The following morning I wake him before going to the markets. I tell him I am leaving LM with him seeing as he is obviously not going to work. I tell him he is pathetic and lacks any self restraint. When I return from the markets he is in his work uniform looking sheepish. After that I can feel the storm is about to break, the tension had already been building. Several days later it breaks. He gets the shits because he has to old H while I cook his dinner. Paces around the house in quiet rage, you can see the entitlement has been building. He puts a screaming H down on the floor and goes and opens his laptop and starts looking at rubbish on youtube while H lays there screaming. I ask if, seeing as he is not looking after H, he can feed the dog. The storm is unleashed- he refuses to do that & starts ranting about how no one else eats that late at night (hello... no one elses husband comes home at such erratic hours without at least calling to let their partner know) that he comes home to the house and it is a pig sty (the only messy room in the house is the lounge room where LM has been playing all day and is still playing) and how if I need help I should ask for it (hello? Have I not just asked for help? I asked him to hold our baby and then when he wouldn't do that I asked him to feed our dog) Tells me to FEED OUR SON and that he had SAID that he would finish making his dinner (he had not said anything of the sort) Yell-Yell-Carry-on-Carry-on. Contradicting himself all the while, not making an ounce of sense. I asked him to shut up for a minute so I could actually get H latched to feed (he was still screaming) and sat on the lounge and just stared him down. For the first time I didn't end up in tears. I was beyond tears. I was furious and just.... DONE. I looked him in the eye and told him he was a selfish, entitled arse. That he was talking absolute rubbish, making no sense. He stormed out of the room, and went to bed in the study- slamming the door behind him- and refused to eat dinner. Went to bed, might I add, in a bed he had been sleeping in for 2 months without even bothering to put any sheets on. LM turned to me and said in a quavering voice "Mummy, you said all the right things to Daddy"
and I in turn apologised to her for the scene we just had in front of her. Something just clicked then. I realised that I didn't want my daughter growing up thinking it was okay for a man to speak to and treat his wife with such contempt. I would be horrified if my small son grew up to treat his family in such a way. In short- I don't want either of my children to be treated that way, or to treat others like that. I put LM to bed and then went to bed with H. No tears. Just resolution. One more outbreak like that and I was done.
The following week he was once again in a snit over having to do ANYTHING. Got on the phone to his family carrying on like a chop. Got off the phone and started telling me that I was feeding H all wrong and everything was my fault and that I was close minded etc etc (pot calling the kettle black?) I told him that I preferred to take the advice of the ABA and about 50 odd women online over the advice of his sister who thinks the foremilk is the fatty part of the milk *slaps forehead* I left the room and fed H to sleep. I realised this was the last outbreak. That I had said no more if this happened. Once H was asleep I went out to the lounge and told ex that he either needed to start working away or we needed to take a break. Because I could not keep doing this. He grunted at me. I went to bed, knowing that tomorrow after work he would just try to come home like nothing had happened. Again. So the following morning I spoke to his Mum and asked for her to take him. Then I called my GP to have a mental health plan drawn up so I could make an appointment to see a counsellor. Ex turned up home at 11am. He had already shut down certain accounts so I didn't have access to them. I asked him to put off packing up the remainder of his things until I had left for my GP appointment with LM. So she didn't have to see him leaving. He started storming around the house packing stuff up anyway. I asked him to commit to a time he would see LM so I could tell her when she would see him next when I broke the news that he was going to live with Grandma for a while. He hesitated, not wanting to commit a time. When pressed he finally named a day, a week away :/ I said I was going to organise counselling and would he come "I spose...." he said. I told him there was no suppose about it, either he was in or not and he grunted at me again.
I went to my appointment, I explained everything that had happened in the lead up. She looked at me compassionately and said that from what I had described that day, and the general impression she has had of him, that she thought he may have narcissistic personality disorder. And that if that was the case, there was basically no hope for him. She wrote it down on a piece of paper for me, and told me to have a read and see if it fit. I came home and started reading. Everything started to make sense. I have not stopped reading since. Antisocial Personality Disorder fits too. Apparently the 2 often go hand in hand. I guess I will never know for sure. But it really does explain a lot. I also read Lundy Bancroft. He fits one of the profiles of abuse down the the ground. Through this reading has come a great deal of clarity. I continue to read, to gain insight. Because I will have to deal with this man for the rest of my life. Also because I don't want to make the same mistake again. I need to know what to look for.
I have started seeing a psych for myself. I need to unpack this baggage. I want to be strong and happy. I said that I feel very stupid for not seeing through him sooner. I was told that I need to learn not to label myself negatively like that. That it takes strength to walk away. And I agree. I am strong. I just need to become stronger. And part of that is learning to allow myself my feelings. So slowly I am moving through this grief. This grief of what I have lost, or more to the point the grief of realising there was nothing actually there to loose. I am grieving for what I never had. Sometimes I am very sad, sometimes I am very happy. Sometimes I am hopping mad. I am letting those feelings roll by as they appear. Acknowledging them and then letting it go. If I feel like being alone, I am. If I feel like company, I find some. I am being kind to myself and discovering, slowly, how I want to live my new life. I am looking forward to selling our house and finding my own place. My own space. For the moment I am in limbo, but eventually we shall be moving on. Bring it on!
The following night I heated up a quiche I had premade and frozen for my babymoon. When I requested that he clean the kitchen so I could go to bed with our son, I was told not to bother cooking again- that he would just have toast if he was hungry as he didn't want to have to clean. WTF??? I exploded over that, told him that funnily enough it wasn't all about HIM. That I needed to eat decent meals so I could feed OUR son. I ended up in tears in the shower, sobbing that I was married to the most selfish person of all time among other things. After that night he pulled his head in somewhat. For a few weeks he was somewhat helpful, holding H while I cooked/cleaned/showered etc. Taking him for a walk of an afternoon when he was home. When he was home is a pertinent point. I felt he was organising what work he had so that he was out in the evenings. I have since found out that was true (he denied it) because apparently he isn't smart enough not to say so to my best friends parents. But anyway, things hummed along not too poorly. But then things started going downhill around the time of his brothers wedding which was approx 5-6 weeks after H was born. First there was the bucks night. No worries. Then the night before the wedding his brother was having a bit of an emotional moment over the fact their father was not there. So I told my ex to go up there and offer some emotional support, which he did. The next day I had to get myself, LM and a newborn ready to go up the coast to the wedding alone. I get to where the family where staying and ex started out REALLY nicely by telling me everyone hated his shirt (which I had bought him) and told him to wear something else. Didn't just say this once, but went on and on about it. Then told me my outfit looked like a sarong. Then started going on about how NICE his younger sisters skankily dressed friend was. We go to the wedding, he basically ditches me for the entire night. Barely by my side at all. I leave to go home, he doesn't come with me. I am both relieved and disappointed in him at the same time. He says he will come back the following day after breakfast or early lunch with his family. The next day I am so sore I can barely move. I am in so much pain I am contemplating taking some pain killers- something I never do. At 2pm I call him to see where he is at, expecting that he will be on his way home. No. He is still up the coast and has drunk too much to drive (AGAIN a common problem) for another hour or so. I ask him to come home as soon as he is able, as I am feeling really sick with cramping etc and I need his help. He says he will come as soon as he can. I call him again at 3:30 to see where he is at. He has not even left yet. Says he is about to leave. 5:30 he still is not home. 6:30- still not home. 7:30- still not home so I call him. He has gone out to check on his younger sister and her skanky friend. I am so.so.angry. I keep my temper. Amazingly. But I am so angry I can barely speak to him. The following weekend we go to a friends place for a BBQ. He hits the drinks pretty hard. Around 8pm he walks us home and then insists on going back to play cards with J. I ask him not to, he has to work the following morning and we are relying on his finishing the job so we can pay the mortgage the following week. He goes anyway. I go to bed, and wake at 2am to feed H. Ex still isn't home. I am laying there feeding our small son and fuming. I just know he will have written himself off. When he starts, he just cannot stop. At around 2:30 I hear him stumble down the front steps. I hear him fumbling for what seems like 5 minutes to get his keys out of his pocket. And then what seems like another 5 minutes fumbling with the key in the lock. I hear him stumble into the house. And then straight back out the door again and yacking in the garden :/
The following morning I wake him before going to the markets. I tell him I am leaving LM with him seeing as he is obviously not going to work. I tell him he is pathetic and lacks any self restraint. When I return from the markets he is in his work uniform looking sheepish. After that I can feel the storm is about to break, the tension had already been building. Several days later it breaks. He gets the shits because he has to old H while I cook his dinner. Paces around the house in quiet rage, you can see the entitlement has been building. He puts a screaming H down on the floor and goes and opens his laptop and starts looking at rubbish on youtube while H lays there screaming. I ask if, seeing as he is not looking after H, he can feed the dog. The storm is unleashed- he refuses to do that & starts ranting about how no one else eats that late at night (hello... no one elses husband comes home at such erratic hours without at least calling to let their partner know) that he comes home to the house and it is a pig sty (the only messy room in the house is the lounge room where LM has been playing all day and is still playing) and how if I need help I should ask for it (hello? Have I not just asked for help? I asked him to hold our baby and then when he wouldn't do that I asked him to feed our dog) Tells me to FEED OUR SON and that he had SAID that he would finish making his dinner (he had not said anything of the sort) Yell-Yell-Carry-on-Carry-on. Contradicting himself all the while, not making an ounce of sense. I asked him to shut up for a minute so I could actually get H latched to feed (he was still screaming) and sat on the lounge and just stared him down. For the first time I didn't end up in tears. I was beyond tears. I was furious and just.... DONE. I looked him in the eye and told him he was a selfish, entitled arse. That he was talking absolute rubbish, making no sense. He stormed out of the room, and went to bed in the study- slamming the door behind him- and refused to eat dinner. Went to bed, might I add, in a bed he had been sleeping in for 2 months without even bothering to put any sheets on. LM turned to me and said in a quavering voice "Mummy, you said all the right things to Daddy"
and I in turn apologised to her for the scene we just had in front of her. Something just clicked then. I realised that I didn't want my daughter growing up thinking it was okay for a man to speak to and treat his wife with such contempt. I would be horrified if my small son grew up to treat his family in such a way. In short- I don't want either of my children to be treated that way, or to treat others like that. I put LM to bed and then went to bed with H. No tears. Just resolution. One more outbreak like that and I was done.
The following week he was once again in a snit over having to do ANYTHING. Got on the phone to his family carrying on like a chop. Got off the phone and started telling me that I was feeding H all wrong and everything was my fault and that I was close minded etc etc (pot calling the kettle black?) I told him that I preferred to take the advice of the ABA and about 50 odd women online over the advice of his sister who thinks the foremilk is the fatty part of the milk *slaps forehead* I left the room and fed H to sleep. I realised this was the last outbreak. That I had said no more if this happened. Once H was asleep I went out to the lounge and told ex that he either needed to start working away or we needed to take a break. Because I could not keep doing this. He grunted at me. I went to bed, knowing that tomorrow after work he would just try to come home like nothing had happened. Again. So the following morning I spoke to his Mum and asked for her to take him. Then I called my GP to have a mental health plan drawn up so I could make an appointment to see a counsellor. Ex turned up home at 11am. He had already shut down certain accounts so I didn't have access to them. I asked him to put off packing up the remainder of his things until I had left for my GP appointment with LM. So she didn't have to see him leaving. He started storming around the house packing stuff up anyway. I asked him to commit to a time he would see LM so I could tell her when she would see him next when I broke the news that he was going to live with Grandma for a while. He hesitated, not wanting to commit a time. When pressed he finally named a day, a week away :/ I said I was going to organise counselling and would he come "I spose...." he said. I told him there was no suppose about it, either he was in or not and he grunted at me again.
I went to my appointment, I explained everything that had happened in the lead up. She looked at me compassionately and said that from what I had described that day, and the general impression she has had of him, that she thought he may have narcissistic personality disorder. And that if that was the case, there was basically no hope for him. She wrote it down on a piece of paper for me, and told me to have a read and see if it fit. I came home and started reading. Everything started to make sense. I have not stopped reading since. Antisocial Personality Disorder fits too. Apparently the 2 often go hand in hand. I guess I will never know for sure. But it really does explain a lot. I also read Lundy Bancroft. He fits one of the profiles of abuse down the the ground. Through this reading has come a great deal of clarity. I continue to read, to gain insight. Because I will have to deal with this man for the rest of my life. Also because I don't want to make the same mistake again. I need to know what to look for.
I have started seeing a psych for myself. I need to unpack this baggage. I want to be strong and happy. I said that I feel very stupid for not seeing through him sooner. I was told that I need to learn not to label myself negatively like that. That it takes strength to walk away. And I agree. I am strong. I just need to become stronger. And part of that is learning to allow myself my feelings. So slowly I am moving through this grief. This grief of what I have lost, or more to the point the grief of realising there was nothing actually there to loose. I am grieving for what I never had. Sometimes I am very sad, sometimes I am very happy. Sometimes I am hopping mad. I am letting those feelings roll by as they appear. Acknowledging them and then letting it go. If I feel like being alone, I am. If I feel like company, I find some. I am being kind to myself and discovering, slowly, how I want to live my new life. I am looking forward to selling our house and finding my own place. My own space. For the moment I am in limbo, but eventually we shall be moving on. Bring it on!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
365 Reasons to be Grateful
#24 The beautiful painting in my entry. I love it every time I look at it, and will never tire of it.
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