Another wonderful IM appointment :)

Yesterday I had my second meeting with our independent midwife.... it was wonderful! I love not having to go up to the hospital, I love that my wants and needs are respected, I love that she doesn't spout utter rubbish at me in relation to birth. She trusts me, and my body, to do what it is designed to do. To birth naturally, without needless intervention. At home where I feel most comfortable.

Up until last month I was also going to attend appointments up at the hospital (which I have booked into, in case of need to transfer during labour) but after my last appointment I just can't. I had YET another doctor, who I had to explain the story of my last birth to. Who carried on about induction methods, risks etc etc over and over. Who had a go at me for declining the 12 week scan. Because according to him, early scans are 100% accurate in determining due dates. Which for the record, is absolute bosh. At 12 weeks they can be out by up to a week, and at 20 weeks up to 2 weeks out. He told me that pethidine could not possibly have put LM into distress during labour, or stalled my labour. Which is also utter bullshit. And to top it off, he changed my due date, which I had calculated with my ovulation date which is the most accurate way of determining an estimate. He was useless with the doppler, couldn't find bub's heartbeat. Insisted after 5 minutes of trying, that he would need to use an ultrasound machine to determine bub was okay. When I could FEEL bub moving around like he was doing cartwheels.... I left there so angry at the doctor, at the system and mostly at myself for even going there when I knew better.

2 days later I had my first antenatal appointment with my midwife.... she was wonderful, caring, honest. She has found me a home birth friendly GP so I don't have to put up with the hospital's crap anymore. When she was checking the baby's heart beat with the doppler, she checked bub's position first, to make sure the doppler was not on there for longer than needed.

My midwife is available to me whenever I need her. If I am worried about any thing, I have her number and am encouraged to call at any time. She comes to me for all the antenatal visits, which are considerable especially towards the end. And after our dear little boy is born she will visit us every day for the first few days, then twice weekly, then weekly, and fortnightly for 6 weeks post partum.

She tells me that she plans to be as hands on or hands off as I want during the labour. However I want to be supported, is how she will be for me. If I want to be alone, she will leave the room. If I want a hand to crush, she will be there. If I want silence, I have it. If I want reassurance and words, I will have that too. There wont be anyone putting time restrictions on us. Nothing to tie me to a bed (I am having a VBAC) as she will monitor periodically with the doppler. In the birth pool if I want.

Basically, she will be there as a guide. To keep me on track if I need it, to give me support, and to reassure us that everything is perfectly normal and fine. But also to give us a heads up if things do go pear shaped. And if they do, she will come to the hospital with us as birth support. So I don't have to fight anyone. She will be there to fight for me. Because, after last time with LM, I know that when I am in labour I will have no fight in me. It is all consuming. If things go pear shaped again, and I end up with a repeat c-sect, I want to know that my placenta will be kept & that our baby's cord will not be cut until it has stopped pulsating. And I want to know that someone will help fight to keep my baby with me, and not be whisked off after the initial meet and greet. I still mourn the loss of those first precious hours with LM. They have impacted deeply. There are pictures of DH with her (C/O my wonderful parents) and I am SO glad he was there with her. But I wish I had been too.... those pictures speak a thousand words. The way she is gazing at him so calmly, getting to know his face and he hers.... I should have been there too... But because of an error of judgement (admitted by the doctor before I was discharged) I was downstairs in recovery. And when I was finally wheeled upstairs hours later, LM wasn't even in the room waiting for me. I still remember having to ask for my baby, and waiting and waiting for them to bring her in. Hearing the sound of her little bassinet being wheeled down the hallway, finally. Of not being able to get out of bed to tend to her. Of having to wait for someone to pass her to me. For days it was like that. And then finally, being able to pick her up myself and walk to calm her. And being yelled at by the nurses for doing so.... I was never so happy to get out of anywhere as I was to get out of that hospital. LM wasn't really *mine* until I walked out of there.... and that was almost a week later.

I can't wait to have a normal birth this time. I can't wait for this baby to be mine from the second he is born. I am so happy that LM and I wont be separated over that time too.... she is so excited to be becoming a big sister. I don't want her to miss a moment of that. I am looking forward to NOT having my little family having to leave me and our new little boy every rest time and every evening. I am looking forward to my own shower, and my own bed at the end of my labour. And my own cooking lol.... I need to start thinking about stocking that freezer! I am looking forward to being respected, I am looking forward to the whole journey. I can't wait to scoop my little baby up into my arms and watch him take his first breaths earthside..... Only another 15 or so weeks to go my little belly~dweller! I am relishing every roll and kick, this pregnancy is going so fast! I cannot wait to meet you, but I love this waiting too. There is such sweetness in the anticipation.... just knowing you are in there, growing stronger by the day, is enough for now. Feeling my belly swell, and feeling to roll around is enough for now. When you are ready, you will be free to pick your own birthday. No one will be rushing you, my little sweetheart. Not me, and no doctors either. So take your time, we will all be ready whenever you are.