Musings on my impending divorce #1

I am happy to be free of my marriage. But the fact that I will always have to have contact with the person who was my husband is hard to deal with. Looking back, there where many warning signs of where this relationship would end up. I wish, in a lot of ways, that I had taken heed. But at the end of the day, our relationships- whether good or bad- are what shape us. Without this marriage, and without my beautiful children that where a result of this marriage, I would not be the person I am today. And at the end of the day, when I look in the mirror, I like the person I see reflected back at me. So no regrets. Well, apart from the fact I have to deal with him for the rest of my life. But I guess that is the trade off :P I am going to write a lot of crap here. Feel free to skip over these musings. They are more for me than anything else. Trying to process it all, acknowledge it and then let it all go. A word purge as it where....

Our relationship had never been a particularly strong one. I met him when I was just 19. At 19 I thought he was the answer to all my prayers. A good looking, hard working man. We enjoyed weekends eating out and doing small projects around the house. We both loved the outdoors- going to the beach or for a hike in the rainforests. He loved children. He was hands on with his nephews. The first time I called in on him unannounced he had picked up his nephews from daycare and was just hanging out with them. He said he liked to do that if he was finished work before his sister was (they lived together at the time) He wanted children of his own. About 3 months after we met, his sister moved out and he asked me to move in. 2 months after that we became engaged. Even in these early days there where warning signs though. He would get moody and unbearable if I spent any time with one of my best friends who was a man. When we had a fight in the city one night he said if I walked away from him then it was over then and there. I felt trapped. But I stayed. After we got married, things got worse. We got home from our honeymoon and there was a pile of bills he had neglected to pay for months. In consideration of the fact I was paying for the groceries and we where living rent free, there was absolutely no need for that. At that stage I took over paying the bills as I was working full time by this stage and had internet access at work so I could pay the bills etc there. The house that we where living in was in a trust fund for he and his brother and sister. It was around this time that the house got put on the market. His family where unbearable- comming in at any time they felt like it, being rude to boot. Like we where not entitled to any privacy at all. He never once stood up for me during this time. Not once. We ended up moving out. Unfortunately to a house that was within walking distance of his mothers. She was constantly lobbing on our doorstep- we had no privacy. Once again, he never asserted any boundaries, even though it was greatly upsetting me. He was also becomming increasingly horrible whenever I would have a good time out without him. During our time in that house I became very ill with hashimoto's. Basically my thyroid just up and died. I was so tired all the time. I could barely function. By the time I got out of bed and showered in the morning, I could have gone back to bed and slept another 12 hours. I couldn't keep warm. Words cannot express just how awful that feeling is. I was an absolute wreck. He did nothing to help me. He didn't even recognise that I was ill. When I finally found a decent GP, she pretty much diagnosed it straight up. I went for blood tests and when I returned she said that I had the worst levels she had seen in her career, bar one woman who was in her 60's and morbidly obese. I asked her what would have happened if I had not been diagnosed. She said I would have lapsed into a coma and died. When I told my husband this, he played it down. But later confessed to his sister that he had thought I was just being lazy.
On top of all of this, I had gone from working part time to working full time. My husband still expected me to do all of the housework. All of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing etc etc etc. When I say he barely lifted a finger apart from going to work, I am not exagerating. Sporadically he would tidy up the yard. But more often than not the grass was about a foot high. Often when he started on the yard he would only half finish the mowing. Literally half way down each side of the house. If I asked him to help out with any of the housework he would chuck a paddy. If I asked him to do the yard he would say he would do it tomorrow and never do it. Or would do half. Or chuck another paddy about how hard HE had been working.
In the meantime the old house sold and we started looking for a new one to buy for ourselves. Sometimes he would be fine, awesome even. But always following a couple of weeks or relative civility and calm, the storm would start brewing. And then the storm would break. Always this cycle. And I gave as good as I took. He would calm down again, and I would think he had listened and realised how badly he was behaving. And the cycle would start again. Always enough good times to make you think things where changing and would be okay.
We bought a block of land and decided to build. Our first plans fell through due to a dodgy builder. We where wanting to have a baby. We had been wanting that for a long time. He had nagged me for years, but I wanted to be settled in our own home first. We decided to just go for it anyway, inspite of the house issues not being sorted. I fell pregnant immediately. So quickly that it didn't even occur to me that the reason I was feeling poorly was that I was pregnant lol. We where over the moon. When I had LM I was sorely disappointed in my husband. I had thought he would be a loving and supportive co-parent, but he was not. I could not even leave LM with him to do the grocery shop without him calling- even demanding, mid shop, that I needed to come home because LM was hungry! Apparently he couldn't make her a piece of toast or cut up some fruit to tide her over for half an hour. He was always wanting to do things on his schedule instead of on hers and would loose his temper when everything didn't run smoothly. If I wanted to go out without LM I had to do everything first- feeding, bathing, changing and putting her to bed if need be- or he would be absolutely impossible. The only thing he did in a fairly consistnt manner was walk her around the block of an afternoon. Putting on a good show for the neighbours. He would bathe her in the shower with him, but would make me undress her and pass her in and then I would also have to get her out again and redress her. He loved her. I know he does. He never complained about any money I spent that was for her. Ever. If she was ill, he would panic. But he would never put himself out for her unless he was in the mood, which was quite rare....

TBC