Musings on my Impending Divorce #2

For a time he worked away. Most of my friends said they could never have their husbands working away- how would I cope? I think this really was the first sign of just how much of a hinderance he was when he was around. Because I actually found it easier, in every respect, when he was working away. Not merely no difference, but actually easier. And by the end of his stint away, I would always be glad of his company. But by the time he had been home a couple of days, I was well ready for him to be gone again. Towards the end of his time working FIFO, we decided to start trying for another baby. This time it was not so easy going. A few months passed, and nothing happened. We, however, hit a wall in our marriage. So TTC was put off, and we went to counselling instead. Things improved somewhat. Had a beautiful valentines day- he placed roses around the house in all the spots I would go to in the morning- one in the ensuite, next to my favourite tea pot, one by the kettle, one tucked in with my thyroid tablets etc. It was the most thoughtful gesture he had ever made. Things seemed to be improving within our relationship. Then the black cloud of depression came over me.... this was really awful. I went on medication for it. He made some snide comment about how it must be nice to just pop a pill and make your problems go away. Like it was mind over matter. But that was about the only comment he made about it at the time. Things continued to get better, bar the occasional tiff. The medication helped for a while, and then I slowly weaned myself off them so that we could start TTC again. Once again, months passed and nothing happened. Month after month. I tried to stay positive. More months passed. Finally, at the end of the year I finally fell pregnant. I was absolutely over the moon. Finally, our much longed for second child was on the way. DH seemed pleased, but not overly excited. Morning sickness started. DH was no help at all. I was bleeding on and off, and trying to rest as much as possible. I was accused of being lazy. I was willing our small baby to stay with us, and was given no emotional support at all from him. I lost our much wanted and loved baby in January. It was a grief I thought I would never recover from.... when I think of this time it feels like one big void. A giant sigh. A huge pause. It felt like the world had stopped spinning for that time. Oh how I had longed for that baby.... I grieved hard. I was told to stop crying and get some sleep. I was left to cry alone. I was told I should go away for a week to get over it. I was told I needed to be strong. My small daughter was devestated- when I tried to placate her with the old "It's okay, we will have another one" she cried so hard and told me she didn't want another one- she wanted our baby back. My small 3 year old got it. Why did a grown person not get it? I accepted it as just being the way he was- not good with his emotions etc as a result of his upbringing. A month or 2 later we started TTC again. Again months and months went by. Every month my heart sank a little further. 2 months before I finally fell pregnant with H, a friend of mine fell pregnant with her 3rd. DH heard about it on FB before I did (she was oversea's at the time) he came in and broke the news "So K is pregnant again hey?" with not a thought to how I would feel about it. And I was devestated. Not because I didn't want her to be pregnant. Because I wanted to be pregnant myself. At the begining of our TTC journey K had fallen pregant with her second child. That she had gestated a baby, born him into the world, and was in a position to be conceiving again really hit home how long our journey had been. It really marked the time. Oh how I cried that day. I cried and cried and cried. I felt there was nothing left in me to give anyone. I didn't know how I could keep going on trying month after month. I didn't know how I could stop either.... I said how depressed I was over it all. That it was a catch 22- I needed antidepressants for depression that was triggered by something we wanted that I couldnt be on antidepressants for. I was told I was pathetic and weak. That popping a pill is no answer for anything.That I was a horrible person for not being happy for my friend. That I was a shit example to our daughter. He took Laura and left the house. I had no idea where or for how long. Then I had a call from my parents, Laura was there and he had gone. Mum came down and got me. She let me cry. She allowed me my feelings. She said he was just being a man. I spent the day there. When I came home DH had written a list of shit that he thought would get me pregnant. As if I had not already tried everything. As if I had been in an apathetic haze the entire journey. I was so very angry. We didn't speak for about a week. Then we started trying again. Yes, I was stupid. Surely his behaviour should have alerted me to the fact I should not be having yet another baby with this man? But no, I put his behaviour down to the stress we where under + work stress- giving him the benefit of the doubt. He had quit his job and started working for himself. His mood had improved out of sight. I was starting to remember the man I had thought I had married. Another cycle passed. Yet again, nothing. I had been waiting without any real hope. I called and made an appointment with my GP. I had to pretty much force DH to attend. But he did come. The GP said there was nothing he could actually do for me, apart from give us a referal to a fertility specialist. I had thought he would be able to help. I felt so frustrated! I went home and called the specialist to make an appointment. I was fortunately able to get in within 3 weeks! We went in to see her. We spoke at length. She did an ultrasound- I had Poly Cystic Ovarian Disorder!!!! One visit and we now knew there was a reason for all this heartache. She told us that it was perfectly normal for me to be depressed over the whole scenario. That we did indeed need to be there. Totally validated my feelings in every way. We where sent off for blood tests etc and told to call the office when my next cycle started so I could start on clomid. A week and a half passed, I was overdue. I did a home pregnancy test- negative. I did another the following day. And one the day after that. Negative. I started to feel a small ache in my back when I wore Laura- that had never been there before. I had a couple of small food aversions. Still the tests came back negative. And then, finally, early on a sunday morning mid december I got the faintest positive. I could not even smile. I felt numb. I was sure it must be a false positive. I sat there and had a bit of a teary. The next day I did another test. Another faint positive. I went down the chemist and bought a digital test. PREGNANT! I was over the moon! Over christmas I started to bleed again. I was terrified of loosing another baby. I went home from my parents early on Christmas night when it started. DH stayed up there drinking. Mum was the one to walk me home. The bleeding continued on and off for a week. Finally it stopped. I still felt sick, and so I hoped. The weeks passed by, I still felt sick. I hoped some more. No scans this time. Just hope. I passed the 12 week mark. I met with my IM. I had an appointment at the hospital and finally heard the thump thump of my beloved sons heartbeat. My baby was going to be okay :) We finally told everyone when I was about 16 weeks pregnant. Everyone was so happy for us! I was very sick throughout my pregnancy. DH was not helpful at all. Fortunately we got LM a place at Kindy- that gave me a break. DH was not working- he was around all the time. Money was tight. Then money was non-existant. DH refused to speak to the bank, I had to do that. My parents helped to keep us afloat during this time. He never said a word of thanks or even acknowledged their help. He insisted he was looking for work. Looking perhaps, but his computer showed me he was applying for nothing. He turned down work he didn't feel like doing. He continued to lie about looking for work. We didn't have the money to pay the bills. The mortgage was flat out being paid. He did a bit of contracting work- they didn't pay us for weeks and weeks. He refused to even talk to them about it for weeks. Then he lied and said he had spoken to them and that we would be paid next week. Next week would come- nothing. I could never get a straight answer out of him. Finally they started paying us. and the stress for the moment was relieved. Then we had our small son. A couple of weeks before I had him, I went into false labour- it went on for hours. I was at the point where I was going to call the midwife. I asked DH to help me clean up the house before I did so. He flat out refused. He refused to get off his lazy arse and help me tidy the house when I was in labour :/ We had a massive fight and the contractions stopped. I think if I had not gotten so upset, I would have gone into labour that day..... I was upset for weeks after that night. Finally the tension eased a bit. I finally went into labour again. Fortunately, on this day, DH was in a more human mood. He took me out to dinner while LM was up at my parents for the night. Helped me clean up when we realised I was in labour. He was the most amazing support. I could not have asked for more. He didn't leave my side. He was quiet and strong. When everything went to custard around 20 minutes after H was born, he was amazing. He lifted me out of the pool when I fainted from the blood loss. He wrapped H up and kept him warm. He was with me in ED- with tears in his eyes he told me he loved me, that it was all going to be okay, that everyone was here for me. After everything, he was there. He bought me flowers. He helped me shower. He brought everything I asked for into the hospital. Then I finally came home from hospital.....
TBC