New Years Resolutions....

* Spend less time online...
* Sell the house and start afresh
* Fill my home with good friends, laughter and good times :)
* Yoga in the mornings
* Meditation in the evenings
* Eat healthier - no more sugar or overly processed grains
* Simplify life
* Continue to cull the things I don't need and live a more spartan life
* Read more books (if anyone is reading this, please recommend me some books! I have Eat, Pray, Love and Wuthering Heights on the way....)
* Begin some form of study... still trying to decide what. Aiming for mid year intake
* Be less lazy with the housework
* Enjoy life!

I am also participating in the 365 Reasons To Be Grateful challenge http://www.youcantbeserious.com.au/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/grateful.pdf
So stay tuned....

Well. I have been slack on the blogging front haven't I? My excuse? My marriage is over, so I have been a tad busy and stressed lol. Things have been tense and unpleasant for a long time. Some friends had no idea, some have seen it coming a long time and declared it inevitable. But for better or worse (and I certainly hope for the better) it is done. We are still to sell our home. And unfortunately I cannot move until it is sold. Quite frankly I would prefer a fresh start to be starting right now. It feels like a queasy sort of limbo to still be here. But it is pleasant to be living without the tension and fighting. I am looking forward to finding myself. I am looking forward to evenings where I am not dreading the sound of his car pulling up and not knowing what sort of mood he is going to be in. I am looking forward to not living with the feeling of a storm building over weeks, never know when it is going to crash and boom all over me over something stupid and minor. But knowing it certainly will happen....

So far (a little over a month now) I am enjoying the solitude. I have my gorgeous kiddies, I no longer have to cook ridiculously portioned stodgy meals or wash his smelly clothes which would be strewn all over the house. When I clean, it stays that way for more than half an hour :P I am doing yoga in the mornings and meditation in the evenings. I can spend entire days without turning the blaring TV on. There are sad moments of course. No one wants the marriage, they went into with such high hopes, to crumble to dust. But I am not missing him as such, just wishing I had married a better person who would have loved me for me, who would have been my friend and a source of comfort these past 3 very hard years. And who I would not be divorcing. Who would be enjoying our children as much as I do..... I don't think what I want in a partner is asking too much. I just want someone who will be my friend and who thinks I am worth being with and who doesn't expect me to do all the work in every sense. Oh, and someone with a good sense of humour too :P I do like to laugh!

Dear little H is doing well, he is 3 and a half months old now. He smiles the cheekiest smiles and is rolling REALLY FAST everywhere lol. He keeps rolling under the Christmas tree lol... my gorgeous Christmas gift! He is still feeding like a fiend, and I love the way his hands search for mine as he feeds to sleep.... He holds on tight with a vice-like grip with one hand, and cuddles around with the other. He likes me to stroke his forehead too, which can be awkward even when feeding laying down lol. But his little noggin is so velvety soft I usually manage it :)

LM is doing well too, graduated Kindy last week! My little baby girl is off to school next year. She is a bit emotional with everything that has been going on, but tells me she is happy living with just H and I. I hope that much is true....

Ho Hum, off to bathe the kiddies and start the bedtime routines.

Gorgeous handmade bag give away from a gorgeous and talented woman!

http://howieandcharlie.blogspot.com/2010/12/giveaway-time.html

Go and check out her lovely blog ;) She totally rock's and I cannot wait to receive the custom I have ordered!

Awesome parenting book....

The book above (which you can find here http://www.bookdepository.co.uk/book/9780880105668/Heaven-on-Earth) is hands down the best parenting book I have ever read. My beautiful Mum gave it to me as a gift at my blessingway. It is full of commonsense parenting idea's to give your children purpose. It focuses on creating ritual throughout your day and throughout your year to give your children a sense of calm and joy. All simple idea's, all focusing on less being more. It is so well written, and absolute joy to read. In a world full of pressure to make sure your children are learning, learning, learning, and that you must give your children more, more, MORE, this book is like a breath of fresh air. It is a guide on how to let your children just BE and focuses on doing not having. It is everything I have come to feel is important in our parenting journey, rolled into one fantastic guide.

Perfect reading for the lovely weather we are experiencing today, while Mr H is asleep in his hammock....

6 Weeks Old, How Time Does Fly!

Our little man is 6 weeks old today :) He is chatting, and smiling. He can move himself 360 degree's lol... he holds his head up so steadily now. His neck has always been quite strong :) He has rolled over from back to front and front to back a few times too! And 2 days ago we got our first little chuckle, DH heard it too, but H was laughing for me :D

Breastfeeding is going so well this time. I had so many issue's feeding LM. Mostly because I didn't have a clue to be completely honest. I arrogantly or ignorantly thought it would be an easy skill to learn. But it isn't so. As a result, she was on formula from 3 weeks old. It is one of my biggest regrets. Fortunately, breastfeeding has been relatively easy this time though, because I was well armed with info :) In the last 6 weeks I have learnt to feed him sitting, standing up, walking around in a sling and, best of all, laying down lol. I love the luxuriousness of nursing laying down. So snugly and so relaxing. Fabulous for when I am really tired. Because if I drift off to sleep it doesn't matter, there is no where to fall! He is feeding 10 to the dozen atm, boosting my supply for his 6 week growth spurt :)

I have started a lactation diet as we have had a few issue's with certain foods. Especially chocolate and licorice. It is pretty restrictive, but it has been worth it so far. H has been so much more content. I will slowly try some of the banned foods to see if they are offenders though, because I cannot see this diet being easily sustainable for me! I like food too much lol. I can gladly give up chocolate and licorice. But start messing with berries and melons and lentils and green veggies and I am getting very upset! Beats a colicy baby though.... but I don't want to miss out on things I don't need to be missing out on!

We had our final official visit from our midwife today :) Such a milestone! It as been a wonderful journey, and fabulous just to know there was someone to call if I had any concerns. And someone to chat to throughout the pregnancy too. Someone who gets the whole HBing thang. I cannot believe it is all over. I felt as though I had been pregnant forever. As ready as I was to begin this new parenting journey, I really do miss my belly. But I love my little guy so much :)

We co-sleep together at night, and I love to wrap myself around him and smell his delicious, soft and fuzzy, little head :) It is so wonderful not to be woken by crying when he is ready to feed. He stirs a little, and does not even open his eyes. I pop him in the crook of my arm, laying down. Then he peeks out a little, latches, and closes his eyes again. I love the look on his face when he pulls off, milk drunk and self satisfied with full, milky lips lol....

I love watching LM with him. She loves him to pieces! And he, in turn, hears her voice and looks for her. He gazes at her, and chats- just for her :) And gives her huge smiles. She just loves that!

Transition from family of 3 to 4 has not been entirely easy though. It has been a big shock to LM to have to share us after all this time. So we have had some pretty difficult times with her. She has been loving H, but hating us. Pushing the limits, talking rudely and being immensely unhelpful :/ But things are slowly getting better. I have to really work at being patient with her though. It is hard work when I am tired, especially by the end of a long day. I have to remember that she is still so young, not even 5 yet. But I do struggle. She has been such an easy little person to be around for the last 18 months or so. It is hard to go back to explaining and negotiating every.single.little.thing! After an especially bad day I watch her sleep at night and promise myself to try harder tomorrow...

To that aim I have started LM in swimming lessons. A little something to look forward to, just for her, every week. After her lesson we stayed on for her to have a play in the kiddies pool. It was a lovely day, and I think it did us all some good :) I am planning to do this with her every week after her lesson, provided the weather is pleasant :)

Well, off to catch some Z's now while my 2 kiddies are resting! xx

Honey Baked Lentils *NOM!*

Just cooked these for lunch.... so damned tasty! Go on, try them :D You know you want to ;)

Honey Baked Lentils:

1 cup dried green/brown lentils
2.5 cups water or stock
2 tblspns honey
2 tblspns tamari or soy sauce
2 tblspns olive oil
1 medium brown onion, diced
Knob of ginger to taste, crushed
2 big cloves garlic, crushed
1 tsp each cumin & chilli powder (optional)

Bake in covered dish 160 degrees for 1.5 hours

My Home Water Birth After C-Section :D

A month ago today, our small son began his journey earthside. 3 long years of waiting, our second child was finally almost here. How long those years of trying to concieve felt... waiting and waiting. Often impatiently, often in dispair. And also with grief, when we lost a baby around midway through our journey. It was a grief I thought I would never recover from. Rarely, in those last months few months, did I wait with hope. I was waiting without hope and facing the fact we may never have another child. When I finally got that positive pregnancy test on an early Sunday morning in December I couldn't believe it! It was so faint, but it was there. They say that the best things come to those who wait. I feel so blessed that the best has now come. To our small son, we love you so much. Only a month earthside in our lives, we cannot take our eye's off you. You fill our heart's with joy. Snuggling you at night, I feel so very very blessed. This is the story of your journey earthside.

I woke up on Thursday morning, 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant, feeling flat and craving solitude. It was overcast and cold. I just wanted the sun to emerge and warm my soul. The instinct to recoil inwards was strong. My Mum rang that morning, and offered to take L off my hands for the day and keep her overnight if I wished, the offer of which I gratefully accepted.

Later that morning, my midwife D came out for a visit. She checked me over, H was well engaged- she could only feel his chin lol. She gave me another book to read and we talked for ages. By the time she had come and gone, the sun was out and I decided I needed to nurture myself a bit. D had suggested I go out to the coast for a walk to reconnect with nature a bit, so I planned my afternoon around that idea.

I went and booked for some kinesiology to try and help settle the soul a bit, and from there I went and had a luxurious lunch down on the waterfront. Crispy skinned salmon with potato's, spinach and asparagus.One of my favourite meals I chilled in the sun eating it and reading. The sun felt good, and the nourishing meal made me feel so much better.

After lunch I went out to Scarborough and had an abortive attempt at a little walk along the waterfront. I kept getting braxton hicks and I could just feel how low he was getting. Mighty uncomfortable! So I turned around and walked back. I sat on the grass in the sun near the park, read some more of my book, enjoyed the scenery. But mostly I just talked to H- just telling him all about the world and how much I was longing to meet him. How I was ready for him when he was ready to meet us all. I walked back along the beach towards my car, it felt good to have my feet in the wet sand and the ocean breeze on my face....Then I got into the car and headed back to my kinesiology appointment. After all of this I was feeling so much more relaxed. Just what the doctor (or rather, midwife) ordered

From near the end of my appointment I was getting a lot of prelabour tightenings that where comming at regular intervals, and suspected that everything was starting. DH came home from work, and I didn't say anything. Just asked if he wanted to go out to dinner seeing as L was at Mum and Dad's for the night. So we headed out and about midway through dinner the tightenings where starting to get a bit stronger. He just looked at me and laughed and said "You look like you just had a contraction" and I just looked back at him and said "Haha... that is because I did :P Can you order me a cream brulee? I really fancy one" "Uh, sure, okay..." lol.... After dinner we went and grabbed some pet food from the supermarket and then we headed home.

Once we where home, I jumped on the birth ball for a while. The contractions felt like they where becomming a little eratic, so I decided I would hop in the shower to see if that would help. Well. Hot water. Apparently that helped a little lol. All of a sudden my contractions where stronger and comming one on top of the other! I decided I had better call D. Pronto!

I jumped out of the shower and asked DH to help me clean up the house a bit and called my midwife D to tell her I was pretty sure I was in labour. She said she would call K (our second midwife) to give her a heads up, and for us to call back when I felt I needed them. I then called my Mum to let her know, and told her to get some rest. After tidying up a bit, my contractions had slowed down to a reasonable pace. Regular but no longer on top of one another.

I asked DH to pump up the birth ball a bit for me, chucked on a singlet and sarong and started bouncing. Bounce, bounce, bounce. Bounce, bounce bounce. Bounce bounce *WHOOSH!* went my waters! Happy days! Our small son was on his way

I called to DH that my waters had broken, and asked him to grab me some towels and the phone. I called D and Mum and then jumped in the shower to clean myself up a bit, and got DH to lay some drop sheets and towels out on the bed and bedroom floor, and to fill the birth pool.

I sat on the edge of the bed and laboured there, with DH sitting behind me. He applied slight pressure to my shoulders/back as the contractions rolled in. He tried massaging, but I hated it. Just some slight pressure was all I wanted. Our cat was sitting beside us the entire time, purring. She is a funny old soul. She didn't leave my side until I forced her evacuation later that night!

Mum and D soon arrived. D checked H's heart rate and my blood pressure. Mum ducked back home (they live about 3 houses away) and grabbed her camera at my request, and then took some pictures of DH and I. Some time passed. D called K and asked her to come. The contractions where getting stronger and closer together, so we decided to make our move to the pool. Absolute bliss! I asked D to light the candles for me. Our birth space was beautiful... lovely and womb like in the soft glow of the candles. We had Angus and Julia Stone playing in the lounge room. It was unplanned, but perfect. The contractions where getting stronger again, K had arrived. People talking during contractions was starting to bug me. I asked everyone to shut up, and then apologised as thhe contraction waned. Mum said she knew then that our baby was still a way off lol. Our cat had followed us into the birth room, and was sitting up on the drawers, purring, watching and keeping vigil.

DH only left my side once, to done his boardies in case I wanted him in the pool with me. He was so quiet and such a strong presense. He was absolutely amazing, and just what I needed. I could not have asked for more. He held water for me to sip on, kept the cold washers comming for my face and shoulders and was there 110% through every contraction, just holding me strong and close.

As the contractions started to come closer and stronger, our dog started barking out the back. I can remember asking for someone to shut him the hell up lol. They had to close him up in the loo to stop his shenanigans. And then the cat abandoned her post, and started walking up and down the hallway. Yowling. I asked for someone to, for god's sake, PLEASE do something to shut the damned cat up!

The contractions all of a sudden became shorter and less frequent. I could see Deb and K exchanging glances. They kept asking where I was feeling the contractions, and checking H's heartbeat with the doppler. In hindsight, this is exactly what happened in my labour with our daughter L. Whether it is just how I labour, or if it was a psychological thing, I guess we will never know. This continued on for some time. They got me to flip over and try another position. I laboured for a while more. More glances where exchanged, and then they went out and where talking in the kitchen. Mum went out there. I knew they where talking about me. But I couldn't care less, as all of a sudden the contractions where coming stronger and harder again. I was yelling at them to stop bloody talking (not because they where talking about me, but because I couldn't stand the noise lol) and then yelling that I couldn't do this anymore!!! As soon as those words where out of my mouth, I knew our baby was on his way! The urge to push followed some time after. This went on for about 2 hours. At some point D wanted to do a VE. She was getting quite toey and worried. I refused. I could feel H. I told her I could feel him comming down. I could feel a slight stinging about half way down. I knew he was almost here Then they could finally see his head. They got the mirror to show us, and asked if I wanted to have a feel. I didn't look or feel. I just lay back and smiled, I was filled with such joy- I was going to meet my baby soon! With a few more contractions, and my body pushing, his head finally emerged I knew then that we where almost done, and that I would have my baby in my arms within minutes. I lay back, so happy I was almost in tears, repeating over and over I can't believe that my baby is almost here! My Mum managed to capture a photo of me, leaning back, with H's head out. I have the biggest grin on my face! A contraction or 2 later, he was out. D told me I had to get up. H's cord was around his neck twice and there was a knot in the cord. I could not get up. My muscles and energy where spent. DH pulled me up, D quickly untangled H and then placed him on my chest. I heard Mum exclaim "OMG! He is HUGE!!!"

I held him to me, my hands shaking, just smiling and smiling and saying "oh my goodness! You are finally here. My tiny tiny boy, my little man, I love you so much" I rocked him and blew into his face. I watched him pink up and talked to him in between blowing. Slowly he opened his eyes and looked into my face. I just kept kissing his little head, and stroking his vernix coated back and face. After a bit I popped him on my breast to feed. He latched on with little difficulty and gazed up at me. I could not get my fill for looking

While all of this was happening, the water went from a bit red to claret. D and K told me I had to get out. NOW. I could barely move, I had no energy left. They reiterated that I needed to get out. DH held H while I moved to the other side of the pool. I remember getting up on my knee's to stand, and reaching to D and K for help and then I remember nothing more, until I came to, laying on the floor. DH had had to lift me out of the pool. My Mum says I was damned lucky he was there as the MW's would never have been able to get me out themselves. I felt hideous. I remembered that feeling from when I lost our baby, from the intense blood lose.
I didn't realize then that this was so much worse. I held H for a little while, but I kept drifting in and out. DH asked me if I wanted to take H. I had to point out to him that H was still attached to me as I had not yet birthed the placenta. They cut the cord and DH took H into bed with him to try and warm him up. I was given me oxygen and overheard D saying that she had forgotten to bring the synto :/ I would start to feel better, and then worse again. This repeated itself over and over. I felt so cold. I couldn't get warm. They decided I needed to transfer to the hospital, I told them, yes, call the ambulance. The ambo's took a while to arrive. The oxygen we had ran out. I felt panic set in. It was the only thing keeping me feeling okay. The ambo's arrived shortly after that thank goodness. They where wonderful. They called for back up to help get me out (they couldn't use the trolley thingumy- our house is set in mountain goat territory) and put in a canula. They chatted away to me, lovely as could be and so calm. The other ambulance arrived and they got me onto a stretcher. As they carried me out they joked about the stairs and the crappy gravel path and how unhelpful it was, and apologized if it was uncomfortable going up the stairs. They got me into the ambulance, put the heater on and rugged me up under some more blankets and hooked up the IV. The second ambulance was taking DH and H. I saw DH walk past with H rugged up in his arms. I called to him not to leave H's side, no matter what.

About half way to the hospital, one of the ambo's asked the driver to speed it up a little. The driver asked should he put the sirens on? The ambo replied "No, but just step on it okay? Careful around the corners, take it easy on the corners, but step it up a bit if you know what I mean?"

Finally we where in ED. There where people everywhere. It was literally a sea of faces. All around me. I was told I had lost 4 out of 5 liters of my blood, had a 3rd degree tear, that they needed to get the placenta out now and they needed to give me a blood transfusion. That they needed to give me synto and a whole heap of other things, morphine for the pain etc, and that I was going to have to go in for surgery for the tear. I had no idea what was necessary and what wasn't. I had no idea how bad a state I was really in, and could not trust that what the doctor was saying was the truth or not or if he was just scaremongering for compliance. I asked to speak to D, but she was not there yet (she had followed in her car) I refused to consent to anything until I had spoken to her and had her opinion. She finally arrived and I asked. And she looked me in the eye's, and told me to do what ever they advised. It was then that I realised things where bad-bad.

It was all a blur, they gave me the morphine and pulled the placenta out. I asked for it to be kept, which it was. I didn't see it until days later, but it was beautiful. It looked just like the tree of life. I signed all the consent forms, I could see H under the heater lamps behind me. I longed to be holding him and tried not to cry. DH brought him over to me. I told him, again not to let him out of his sight, and to hold him as much as possible. I asked him to get him skin to skin if possible. And not to leave him. I was scared and upset about the imminent surgery, and DH came over and was holding my hand, telling me it would all be okay, and that they where all here for me and that he loved me. He was tearing up while trying to hold it together. I have never seen him cry before, in all of our 9 years together....

Next thing a nurse is standing over me, asking me if I know what I am going in for. I nodded. He said a hysterectomy.... WTF??? I don't fucking think so mate! It had better bloody not be! Oh, oh sorry... he says as he is looking back over the forms.a He had only read that I had signed saying that I realized that they *may* have to perform one (in case of unforeseeable issues- standard waiver) I wanted to bloody hit him. They wheeled me off to theatre. I lay in the prep room, and it brought back the horrible memories of being prepped for my "emergency" caesar with L. I lay there crying, unable to believe I was back in that space again, and that my little boy was upstairs so far away from me. They wheeled me in to theatre, and they gave me the general. I was told it wouldn't be instant, and just to relax. I remember laying there, willing for the oblivion. Next thing, I was drifting in and out in recovery. Then taken upstairs. I was told it was a 4th degree tear, not a 3rd as they had thought, and explained what would be happening with the transfusion.
Mum and L came in to see me once I was up in maternity, and DH took them up to see H. I got Mum to take photo's. I didn't want to entirely miss the look on L's face when she finally saw hew much longed for little brother. I can't remember much else.. I think I must have gone back to sleep. My next memory is waking up in my private room (perks of being in such a bad way lol) and having a lovely MW ask me if I wanted to see my baby? Of course I did! So she went to check with SCN and find a wards man to take me down. She couldn't find one, so she wheeled me down herself. In my bed lol...

Finally I was with my little man. Or not so little man! 9 pound 1 and 54.5cm long I held him, and gazed at him for the longest time. Then one of the MW's asked if I wanted help to feed him. Darned tooting I got him latched, with her help, and he fed for aaaages. I gazed at him and tried to decide which name to give him. My favourite name didn't suit him, it just wasn't right. I snuggled him for a bit, and then he wanted to feed again. The MW offered to help, but was great when I said I wanted him to try for himself. He latched on beautifully, and was feeding so hard that his respiratory monitor was set off lol. The MW wagged her finger at him and told him not to be such a guts and that he had to BREATH as well as eat lol. I snuggled and nursed him, and tried to decide on his name. I had pretty much settled his name in my mind. H was put back under the heater lamps and I was wheeled back down to my room. DH had come back to the hospital and said "By the way, what do you think of the name H? I have kind of told a few people that is what we might name him" lol... I wanted to throw a shoe at him! I said "You bastard, don't even talk to me! I just spent about 2 hours tossing up names.... I quite like it, but just don't talk to me about it. Let me think on it a bit" Which he did lol.

We spent 4 days in hospital. I had 7 bags of blood transfusion. The MW's where wonderful this time. Out of all of them, only 2 where not superb. They all came in to have a chat about my birth, about the HB legislation, and to ask if I would do it again. In spite of the post partum hell in a hand basket? Yes. A resounding YES. Nothing will ever beat the feeling of natural labour and birth at home.There is absolutely no comparison. And as DH has pointed out, being in hospital would not have prevented any of what happened (apart from maybe the REALLY excessive blood loss) and I would not have had the lovely labour to compensate. I was the first person (after the cord was unwrapped) to hold my baby. Those moments will be forever precious to me. And I know in a hospital setting that DH would not have been the rock he was for me at home. It has changed our relationship, and moved it to a completely different level. The labour and birth where everything I had hoped for, and more. I wish I had been able to snuggle up in my own bed with our baby afterwards. But given what happened, the hospital where fantastic this time. No one gave us any grief about HBing or non-vaxing. We where (apart from one or 2 individuals) treated with compassion and respect, and I was given some great BFing advice during our stay.

Our little H has been earth dwelling for 4 weeks now. He is just divine. He sleeps so hard, and when he is awake his eyes read my very soul. He is such a serious little man. I love gazing into his beautiful deep eye's. I love watching him feed so hard and with such ecstasy. I love wrapping myself around him at night, and nursing him back to sleep when he wakes. I am slowly healing. Some days are better than others. But I am getting there. It beats the hell out of recovering from a c-sect thus far. Every time I walk past H's room, I smile to think that he was born there, right in the heart of our house Home Grown, Home Born