Cooking - Organic Roast Chicken with lemon, herb and onion stuffing....

Reading - http://www.towards-sustainability.com/ (my favourite blog...)

Sewing - Wipes, Kiddies Mei Tai's, Library Bag

Contemplating - Adv Dip in Homeopathy.... and how fast I can start.....

This morning LM and I took our usual trip to the organic farmers markets to do our usual weekly shop. I love our Sunday morning ritual! We do our shopping (bread, fruit and veg, dairy etc) and then take the opportunity to wander around the sustainable/permaculture/organic community gardens. There is always much to see, different vegies growing, random fruit tree's sprouting, free clay painting for the children and the chickens too feed. LM just LOVES feeding the chickens, each week she spends a small portion of her pocket money and buys a small bunch of grapes to take over to the chicken enclosures! There is a particularly large but beautiful rooster who is terribly greedy and a bit of a bully, so LM quite enjoys putting him in his place by moving around and seeing the smaller quieter hens get their fair share of the goodies :) Last week she failed in her endeavours- the rooster managed to grab half of the bunch! Cheeky devil....

This week we had a home birth in the form of a caterpillar named Jerrywell who emerged from his cocoon, not as a butterfly, but as a rather spectacular moth!

LM very much enjoyed bringing up our little friend, and we where all very excited to set him free once he had dried his wings :)

Mmmmm.... lemon marmalade...

Today I am making lemon marmalade, our tree is groaning with fruit and when I saw this recipe on my favourite blog http://www.towards-sustainability.com/2009/05/microwave-lemon-marmalade.html I had to give it a whirl. I have it on the stove top as I type, as I am not keen on microwaves.... I have just put it in a jar- it made lots! Tastes fabulous so far, should be beautiful on a piece of crusty sourdough toast.

I have neglected this blog for a shameful length of time... time has gotten away from me. First I was feeling discouraged as we where trying to conceive another child and it was getting me down, then we finally DID conceive our little blessing in November (a year of trying...) Then morning sickness followed by a miscarriage in January and our little blessing was no more :(

We had been trying for so long, I had given up. I was not even going to test. And then our little 3 year old daughter touches my hand and says "Mummy, you are going to have a baby" So I tested that night, and sure enough we where. I was so happy, finally we where going to have another little person to nurture and watch grow. I told our daughter the next morning, she was so excited! She spent all her time telling everyone about the baby, and talking to my tummy and giving the baby kisses, and planning all the things she was going to help with. Having to tell her that our baby was no more was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do... her face crumpled, she cried so hard. 4 months on and she is still sad about it. About 2 weeks after we lost our little angel she was still very upset, I tried to placate her by saying hopefully we would have another baby soon. When she replied "I don't want another baby, I want OUR baby back" it broke my heart... people underestimate children. She knew our little baby was a one off individual that cannot be replaced. She gets what so many other people do not understand. We comfort each other, but I grieve twice. Once for me and again for her....

This has, however, been a journey and every journey has it's lessons. This journey has taught me to trust my own body and my instincts. I declined a D&C, and I am so glad I did. The last thing I needed was to have my baby whisked away from me and treated as though it where nothing. I had some acupuncture and chinese herbs instead to help the process along naturally, it worked, our small person came away into my hands the following morning. So small, so tiny, so perfect. No bigger than the nail on my pinky finger..... I wrapped our little baby in some of our daughters bunny rug from when she was a wee one, to keep them warm and loved. I then buried our loved one in a special pot and planted over him/her a beautiful jade tree, so we never have to leave him/her behind if we move. I could not bear it.

The placenta came away the following day, I am thankful I was at my parents house and that my Mum was there. After the placenta came I was quite woozy and very grateful to be with my Mum who bundled me up on the lounge with a blanket, a cup of tea, toast and Poirot on the telly so I could rest and then sleep. The placenta is in my freezer awaiting burial on what was estimated to be our birthing day.

I have learnt that to assume you know how anyone else feels in grief is an arrogant assumption.... I could not even imagine how I have felt in this grief, let alone how another person feels in theirs.

I have learnt not to offer platitudes, but to listen instead and validate peoples feelings.

I have learnt not to underestimate a child's comprehension of life and the depth of their feelings.

I have learnt that I do not want to go to hospital for my next birth (god willing) and have decided to birth at home with a midwife. I do not want to go to a place where my wishes are not respected and where I am just another number. This is the right decision for me. My birth with our daughter was cut short for no good reason, the doctor even admitted she made the wrong call when she decided I needed a cesarean. The hospital stay was awful, our daughter was not truly my own until we came home a week later.... I want that from the start next time.

I hope our wait is not a long one.