Relationships

The other day a friend and I where discussing relationships. And at what point you call it a day. Obviously, ending some relationships is a no brainer. But we where discussing the relationships where people have changed. Where there is nothing particularly wrong "on paper" so to speak. But where that sense of belonging, the feeling of being in life together, is gone. Or if your emotional needs change, and as such are not being met by your partner. At what point do you put yourself and your needs ahead of your children and keeping their world a stable and happy place?

I think the answer is that there is no good answer.... There is no way of opting out without hurting someone. Life is messy. Too messy sometimes. So many people say better to be from a broken home than to live in one. Which I totally agree with. But what if the home is not entirely broken in the first place? What if there is no fighting? The people work well together to co-parent. The support each other in that capacity and others too. Just not on an emotional level. The kids would not even have a clue that there is something wrong. What do you do then? Do you continue to live the lie, essentially hurting only one person? Or do you opt out and turn several small worlds upside down? How the hell do you make such a decision?

This dilemma makes me grateful, in a way, that my separation and impending divorce morphed into the "no brainer" variety. So much easier to decide on the right course of action......

Relationships....

Today a friend and I where discussing relationships. And at what point you call it a day. Obviously, ending some relationships is a no brainer. But we where discussing the relationships where people have changed. Where there is nothing particularly wrong "on paper" so to speak. But where that sense of belonging, the feeling of being in life together, is gone. Or if your emotional needs change, and as such are not being met by your partner. At what point do you put yourself and your needs ahead of your children and keeping their world a stable and happy place?

I think the answer is that there is no good answer.... There is no way of opting out without hurting someone. Life is messy. Too messy sometimes. So many people say better to be from a broken home than to live in one. Which I totally agree with. But what if the home is not entirely broken in the first place? What if there is no fighting? The people work well together to co-parent. The support each other in that capacity and others too. Just not on an emotional level. The kids would not even have a clue that there is something wrong. What do you do then? Do you continue to live the lie, essentially hurting only one person? Or do you opt out and turn several small worlds upside down? How the hell do you make such a decision?

This dilemma makes me grateful, in a way, that my separation and impending divorce morphed into the "no brainer" variety. So much easier to decide on the right course of action......

Relationships....

Today a friend and I where discussing relationships. And at what point you call it a day. Obviously, ending some relationships is a no brainer. But we where discussing the relationships where people have changed. Where there is nothing particularly wrong "on paper" so to speak. But where that sense of belonging, the feeling of being in life together, is gone. Or if your emotional needs change, and as such are not being met by your partner. At what point do you put yourself and your needs ahead of your children and keeping their world a stable and happy place?

I think the answer is that there is no good answer.... There is no way of opting out without hurting someone. Life is messy. Too messy sometimes. So many people say better to be from a broken home than to live in one. Which I totally agree with. But what if the home is not entirely broken in the first place? What if there is no fighting? The people work well together to co-parent. The support each other in that capacity and others too. Just not on an emotional level. The kids would not even have a clue that there is something wrong. What do you do then? Do you continue to live the lie, essentially hurting only one person? Or do you opt out and turn several small worlds upside down? How the hell do you make such a decision?

This dilemma makes me grateful, in a way, that my separation and impending divorce morphed into the "no brainer" variety. So much easier to decide on the right course of action......

Musings on my Impending Divorce #3

I came home from hospital, I had a 4th degree tear and had needed blood transfusions etc as I had lost 4/5ths of my blood. So in short I was a bit of a wreck.After having dinner at my parents around the corner, we came home and I walked in the front door and there was stuff EVERYWHERE. The house looked like a bomb had hit it. There where not even any sheets on the bed. He didn't even have the excuse that he was busy with LM. She was at my parents the entire time. Mum came down to wash the sheets and put them back on the bed, but could not even get to the bed for clothes, and she didn't know where those clothes should be (Ex had emptied the entire contents of the clothes I had packed away all over the floor and just left them there) So at the end of a long day, when I should have been horizontal, I was left sitting in the lounge room at 8 at night waiting for him to put sheets on the bloody bed. I actually had to TELL him he had to do it.

The following night I heated up a quiche I had premade and frozen for my babymoon. When I requested that he clean the kitchen so I could go to bed with our son, I was told not to bother cooking again- that he would just have toast if he was hungry as he didn't want to have to clean. WTF??? I exploded over that, told him that funnily enough it wasn't all about HIM. That I needed to eat decent meals so I could feed OUR son. I ended up in tears in the shower, sobbing that I was married to the most selfish person of all time among other things. After that night he pulled his head in somewhat. For a few weeks he was somewhat helpful, holding H while I cooked/cleaned/showered etc. Taking him for a walk of an afternoon when he was home. When he was home is a pertinent point. I felt he was organising what work he had so that he was out in the evenings. I have since found out that was true (he denied it) because apparently he isn't smart enough not to say so to my best friends parents. But anyway, things hummed along not too poorly. But then things started going downhill around the time of his brothers wedding which was approx 5-6 weeks after H was born. First there was the bucks night. No worries. Then the night before the wedding his brother was having a bit of an emotional moment over the fact their father was not there. So I told my ex to go up there and offer some emotional support, which he did. The next day I had to get myself, LM and a newborn ready to go up the coast to the wedding alone. I get to where the family where staying and ex started out REALLY nicely by telling me everyone hated his shirt (which I had bought him) and told him to wear something else. Didn't just say this once, but went on and on about it. Then told me my outfit looked like a sarong. Then started going on about how NICE his younger sisters skankily dressed friend was. We go to the wedding, he basically ditches me for the entire night. Barely by my side at all. I leave to go home, he doesn't come with me. I am both relieved and disappointed in him at the same time. He says he will come back the following day after breakfast or early lunch with his family. The next day I am so sore I can barely move. I am in so much pain I am contemplating taking some pain killers- something I never do. At 2pm I call him to see where he is at, expecting that he will be on his way home. No. He is still up the coast and has drunk too much to drive (AGAIN a common problem) for another hour or so. I ask him to come home as soon as he is able, as I am feeling really sick with cramping etc and I need his help. He says he will come as soon as he can. I call him again at 3:30 to see where he is at. He has not even left yet. Says he is about to leave. 5:30 he still is not home. 6:30- still not home. 7:30- still not home so I call him. He has gone out to check on his younger sister and her skanky friend. I am so.so.angry. I keep my temper. Amazingly. But I am so angry I can barely speak to him. The following weekend we go to a friends place for a BBQ. He hits the drinks pretty hard. Around 8pm he walks us home and then insists on going back to play cards with J. I ask him not to, he has to work the following morning and we are relying on his finishing the job so we can pay the mortgage the following week. He goes anyway. I go to bed, and wake at 2am to feed H. Ex still isn't home. I am laying there feeding our small son and fuming. I just know he will have written himself off. When he starts, he just cannot stop. At around 2:30 I hear him stumble down the front steps. I hear him fumbling for what seems like 5 minutes to get his keys out of his pocket. And then what seems like another 5 minutes fumbling with the key in the lock. I hear him stumble into the house. And then straight back out the door again and yacking in the garden :/
The following morning I wake him before going to the markets. I tell him I am leaving LM with him seeing as he is obviously not going to work. I tell him he is pathetic and lacks any self restraint. When I return from the markets he is in his work uniform looking sheepish. After that I can feel the storm is about to break, the tension had already been building. Several days later it breaks. He gets the shits because he has to old H while I cook his dinner. Paces around the house in quiet rage, you can see the entitlement has been building. He puts a screaming H down on the floor and goes and opens his laptop and starts looking at rubbish on youtube while H lays there screaming. I ask if, seeing as he is not looking after H, he can feed the dog. The storm is unleashed- he refuses to do that & starts ranting about how no one else eats that late at night (hello... no one elses husband comes home at such erratic hours without at least calling to let their partner know) that he comes home to the house and it is a pig sty (the only messy room in the house is the lounge room where LM has been playing all day and is still playing) and how if I need help I should ask for it (hello? Have I not just asked for help? I asked him to hold our baby and then when he wouldn't do that I asked him to feed our dog) Tells me to FEED OUR SON and that he had SAID that he would finish making his dinner (he had not said anything of the sort) Yell-Yell-Carry-on-Carry-on. Contradicting himself all the while, not making an ounce of sense. I asked him to shut up for a minute so I could actually get H latched to feed (he was still screaming) and sat on the lounge and just stared him down. For the first time I didn't end up in tears. I was beyond tears. I was furious and just.... DONE. I looked him in the eye and told him he was a selfish, entitled arse. That he was talking absolute rubbish, making no sense. He stormed out of the room, and went to bed in the study- slamming the door behind him- and refused to eat dinner. Went to bed, might I add, in a bed he had been sleeping in for 2 months without even bothering to put any sheets on. LM turned to me and said in a quavering voice "Mummy, you said all the right things to Daddy"
and I in turn apologised to her for the scene we just had in front of her. Something just clicked then. I realised that I didn't want my daughter growing up thinking it was okay for a man to speak to and treat his wife with such contempt. I would be horrified if my small son grew up to treat his family in such a way. In short- I don't want either of my children to be treated that way, or to treat others like that. I put LM to bed and then went to bed with H. No tears. Just resolution. One more outbreak like that and I was done.

The following week he was once again in a snit over having to do ANYTHING. Got on the phone to his family carrying on like a chop. Got off the phone and started telling me that I was feeding H all wrong and everything was my fault and that I was close minded etc etc (pot calling the kettle black?) I told him that I preferred to take the advice of the ABA and about 50 odd women online over the advice of his sister who thinks the foremilk is the fatty part of the milk *slaps forehead* I left the room and fed H to sleep. I realised this was the last outbreak. That I had said no more if this happened. Once H was asleep I went out to the lounge and told ex that he either needed to start working away or we needed to take a break. Because I could not keep doing this. He grunted at me. I went to bed, knowing that tomorrow after work he would just try to come home like nothing had happened. Again. So the following morning I spoke to his Mum and asked for her to take him. Then I called my GP to have a mental health plan drawn up so I could make an appointment to see a counsellor. Ex turned up home at 11am. He had already shut down certain accounts so I didn't have access to them. I asked him to put off packing up the remainder of his things until I had left for my GP appointment with LM. So she didn't have to see him leaving. He started storming around the house packing stuff up anyway. I asked him to commit to a time he would see LM so I could tell her when she would see him next when I broke the news that he was going to live with Grandma for a while. He hesitated, not wanting to commit a time. When pressed he finally named a day, a week away :/ I said I was going to organise counselling and would he come "I spose...." he said. I told him there was no suppose about it, either he was in or not and he grunted at me again.

I went to my appointment, I explained everything that had happened in the lead up. She looked at me compassionately and said that from what I had described that day, and the general impression she has had of him, that she thought he may have narcissistic personality disorder. And that if that was the case, there was basically no hope for him. She wrote it down on a piece of paper for me, and told me to have a read and see if it fit. I came home and started reading. Everything started to make sense. I have not stopped reading since. Antisocial Personality Disorder fits too. Apparently the 2 often go hand in hand. I guess I will never know for sure. But it really does explain a lot. I also read Lundy Bancroft. He fits one of the profiles of abuse down the the ground. Through this reading has come a great deal of clarity. I continue to read, to gain insight. Because I will have to deal with this man for the rest of my life. Also because I don't want to make the same mistake again. I need to know what to look for.

I have started seeing a psych for myself. I need to unpack this baggage. I want to be strong and happy. I said that I feel very stupid for not seeing through him sooner. I was told that I need to learn not to label myself negatively like that. That it takes strength to walk away. And I agree. I am strong. I just need to become stronger. And part of that is learning to allow myself my feelings. So slowly I am moving through this grief. This grief of what I have lost, or more to the point the grief of realising there was nothing actually there to loose. I am grieving for what I never had. Sometimes I am very sad, sometimes I am very happy. Sometimes I am hopping mad. I am letting those feelings roll by as they appear. Acknowledging them and then letting it go. If I feel like being alone, I am. If I feel like company, I find some. I am being kind to myself and discovering, slowly, how I want to live my new life. I am looking forward to selling our house and finding my own place. My own space. For the moment I am in limbo, but eventually we shall be moving on. Bring it on!

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#26 Comfy corner for reading and feeding in :)

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#25 Bento Boxes. Making allergy free lunches easier!

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#24 The beautiful painting in my entry. I love it every time I look at it, and will never tire of it.

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#23 The view from the back patio. Always beautiful....

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#22 Cute Doggles. He can be a total pain, but he is a sweet thing :)

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#21 Sunny days after all the recent rain....

Musings on my Impending Divorce #2

For a time he worked away. Most of my friends said they could never have their husbands working away- how would I cope? I think this really was the first sign of just how much of a hinderance he was when he was around. Because I actually found it easier, in every respect, when he was working away. Not merely no difference, but actually easier. And by the end of his stint away, I would always be glad of his company. But by the time he had been home a couple of days, I was well ready for him to be gone again. Towards the end of his time working FIFO, we decided to start trying for another baby. This time it was not so easy going. A few months passed, and nothing happened. We, however, hit a wall in our marriage. So TTC was put off, and we went to counselling instead. Things improved somewhat. Had a beautiful valentines day- he placed roses around the house in all the spots I would go to in the morning- one in the ensuite, next to my favourite tea pot, one by the kettle, one tucked in with my thyroid tablets etc. It was the most thoughtful gesture he had ever made. Things seemed to be improving within our relationship. Then the black cloud of depression came over me.... this was really awful. I went on medication for it. He made some snide comment about how it must be nice to just pop a pill and make your problems go away. Like it was mind over matter. But that was about the only comment he made about it at the time. Things continued to get better, bar the occasional tiff. The medication helped for a while, and then I slowly weaned myself off them so that we could start TTC again. Once again, months passed and nothing happened. Month after month. I tried to stay positive. More months passed. Finally, at the end of the year I finally fell pregnant. I was absolutely over the moon. Finally, our much longed for second child was on the way. DH seemed pleased, but not overly excited. Morning sickness started. DH was no help at all. I was bleeding on and off, and trying to rest as much as possible. I was accused of being lazy. I was willing our small baby to stay with us, and was given no emotional support at all from him. I lost our much wanted and loved baby in January. It was a grief I thought I would never recover from.... when I think of this time it feels like one big void. A giant sigh. A huge pause. It felt like the world had stopped spinning for that time. Oh how I had longed for that baby.... I grieved hard. I was told to stop crying and get some sleep. I was left to cry alone. I was told I should go away for a week to get over it. I was told I needed to be strong. My small daughter was devestated- when I tried to placate her with the old "It's okay, we will have another one" she cried so hard and told me she didn't want another one- she wanted our baby back. My small 3 year old got it. Why did a grown person not get it? I accepted it as just being the way he was- not good with his emotions etc as a result of his upbringing. A month or 2 later we started TTC again. Again months and months went by. Every month my heart sank a little further. 2 months before I finally fell pregnant with H, a friend of mine fell pregnant with her 3rd. DH heard about it on FB before I did (she was oversea's at the time) he came in and broke the news "So K is pregnant again hey?" with not a thought to how I would feel about it. And I was devestated. Not because I didn't want her to be pregnant. Because I wanted to be pregnant myself. At the begining of our TTC journey K had fallen pregant with her second child. That she had gestated a baby, born him into the world, and was in a position to be conceiving again really hit home how long our journey had been. It really marked the time. Oh how I cried that day. I cried and cried and cried. I felt there was nothing left in me to give anyone. I didn't know how I could keep going on trying month after month. I didn't know how I could stop either.... I said how depressed I was over it all. That it was a catch 22- I needed antidepressants for depression that was triggered by something we wanted that I couldnt be on antidepressants for. I was told I was pathetic and weak. That popping a pill is no answer for anything.That I was a horrible person for not being happy for my friend. That I was a shit example to our daughter. He took Laura and left the house. I had no idea where or for how long. Then I had a call from my parents, Laura was there and he had gone. Mum came down and got me. She let me cry. She allowed me my feelings. She said he was just being a man. I spent the day there. When I came home DH had written a list of shit that he thought would get me pregnant. As if I had not already tried everything. As if I had been in an apathetic haze the entire journey. I was so very angry. We didn't speak for about a week. Then we started trying again. Yes, I was stupid. Surely his behaviour should have alerted me to the fact I should not be having yet another baby with this man? But no, I put his behaviour down to the stress we where under + work stress- giving him the benefit of the doubt. He had quit his job and started working for himself. His mood had improved out of sight. I was starting to remember the man I had thought I had married. Another cycle passed. Yet again, nothing. I had been waiting without any real hope. I called and made an appointment with my GP. I had to pretty much force DH to attend. But he did come. The GP said there was nothing he could actually do for me, apart from give us a referal to a fertility specialist. I had thought he would be able to help. I felt so frustrated! I went home and called the specialist to make an appointment. I was fortunately able to get in within 3 weeks! We went in to see her. We spoke at length. She did an ultrasound- I had Poly Cystic Ovarian Disorder!!!! One visit and we now knew there was a reason for all this heartache. She told us that it was perfectly normal for me to be depressed over the whole scenario. That we did indeed need to be there. Totally validated my feelings in every way. We where sent off for blood tests etc and told to call the office when my next cycle started so I could start on clomid. A week and a half passed, I was overdue. I did a home pregnancy test- negative. I did another the following day. And one the day after that. Negative. I started to feel a small ache in my back when I wore Laura- that had never been there before. I had a couple of small food aversions. Still the tests came back negative. And then, finally, early on a sunday morning mid december I got the faintest positive. I could not even smile. I felt numb. I was sure it must be a false positive. I sat there and had a bit of a teary. The next day I did another test. Another faint positive. I went down the chemist and bought a digital test. PREGNANT! I was over the moon! Over christmas I started to bleed again. I was terrified of loosing another baby. I went home from my parents early on Christmas night when it started. DH stayed up there drinking. Mum was the one to walk me home. The bleeding continued on and off for a week. Finally it stopped. I still felt sick, and so I hoped. The weeks passed by, I still felt sick. I hoped some more. No scans this time. Just hope. I passed the 12 week mark. I met with my IM. I had an appointment at the hospital and finally heard the thump thump of my beloved sons heartbeat. My baby was going to be okay :) We finally told everyone when I was about 16 weeks pregnant. Everyone was so happy for us! I was very sick throughout my pregnancy. DH was not helpful at all. Fortunately we got LM a place at Kindy- that gave me a break. DH was not working- he was around all the time. Money was tight. Then money was non-existant. DH refused to speak to the bank, I had to do that. My parents helped to keep us afloat during this time. He never said a word of thanks or even acknowledged their help. He insisted he was looking for work. Looking perhaps, but his computer showed me he was applying for nothing. He turned down work he didn't feel like doing. He continued to lie about looking for work. We didn't have the money to pay the bills. The mortgage was flat out being paid. He did a bit of contracting work- they didn't pay us for weeks and weeks. He refused to even talk to them about it for weeks. Then he lied and said he had spoken to them and that we would be paid next week. Next week would come- nothing. I could never get a straight answer out of him. Finally they started paying us. and the stress for the moment was relieved. Then we had our small son. A couple of weeks before I had him, I went into false labour- it went on for hours. I was at the point where I was going to call the midwife. I asked DH to help me clean up the house before I did so. He flat out refused. He refused to get off his lazy arse and help me tidy the house when I was in labour :/ We had a massive fight and the contractions stopped. I think if I had not gotten so upset, I would have gone into labour that day..... I was upset for weeks after that night. Finally the tension eased a bit. I finally went into labour again. Fortunately, on this day, DH was in a more human mood. He took me out to dinner while LM was up at my parents for the night. Helped me clean up when we realised I was in labour. He was the most amazing support. I could not have asked for more. He didn't leave my side. He was quiet and strong. When everything went to custard around 20 minutes after H was born, he was amazing. He lifted me out of the pool when I fainted from the blood loss. He wrapped H up and kept him warm. He was with me in ED- with tears in his eyes he told me he loved me, that it was all going to be okay, that everyone was here for me. After everything, he was there. He bought me flowers. He helped me shower. He brought everything I asked for into the hospital. Then I finally came home from hospital.....
TBC

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#20 Rock pools for small people to explore.... complete with Mamma and baby crab :)

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#19 Small boys who love the great outdoors :)

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#18 My Dad. The funniest thing about him is his inability to finish telling a good joke because he is laughing too hard about the punch line :P

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#17 The close relationship my Mother and Daughter share ♥

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#16 Fresh new pillow slips I made for my girl ♥ She says I am the best, and that she loves them SO much and wants to keep them forever and EVER! Grateful for my small girl, who truly appreciates the small things ♥

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#15 Small things amusing small minds * sniggers in a childish fashion *

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#14 The simplicity of the good old terry flat on a happy baby ♥

Musings on my impending divorce #1

I am happy to be free of my marriage. But the fact that I will always have to have contact with the person who was my husband is hard to deal with. Looking back, there where many warning signs of where this relationship would end up. I wish, in a lot of ways, that I had taken heed. But at the end of the day, our relationships- whether good or bad- are what shape us. Without this marriage, and without my beautiful children that where a result of this marriage, I would not be the person I am today. And at the end of the day, when I look in the mirror, I like the person I see reflected back at me. So no regrets. Well, apart from the fact I have to deal with him for the rest of my life. But I guess that is the trade off :P I am going to write a lot of crap here. Feel free to skip over these musings. They are more for me than anything else. Trying to process it all, acknowledge it and then let it all go. A word purge as it where....

Our relationship had never been a particularly strong one. I met him when I was just 19. At 19 I thought he was the answer to all my prayers. A good looking, hard working man. We enjoyed weekends eating out and doing small projects around the house. We both loved the outdoors- going to the beach or for a hike in the rainforests. He loved children. He was hands on with his nephews. The first time I called in on him unannounced he had picked up his nephews from daycare and was just hanging out with them. He said he liked to do that if he was finished work before his sister was (they lived together at the time) He wanted children of his own. About 3 months after we met, his sister moved out and he asked me to move in. 2 months after that we became engaged. Even in these early days there where warning signs though. He would get moody and unbearable if I spent any time with one of my best friends who was a man. When we had a fight in the city one night he said if I walked away from him then it was over then and there. I felt trapped. But I stayed. After we got married, things got worse. We got home from our honeymoon and there was a pile of bills he had neglected to pay for months. In consideration of the fact I was paying for the groceries and we where living rent free, there was absolutely no need for that. At that stage I took over paying the bills as I was working full time by this stage and had internet access at work so I could pay the bills etc there. The house that we where living in was in a trust fund for he and his brother and sister. It was around this time that the house got put on the market. His family where unbearable- comming in at any time they felt like it, being rude to boot. Like we where not entitled to any privacy at all. He never once stood up for me during this time. Not once. We ended up moving out. Unfortunately to a house that was within walking distance of his mothers. She was constantly lobbing on our doorstep- we had no privacy. Once again, he never asserted any boundaries, even though it was greatly upsetting me. He was also becomming increasingly horrible whenever I would have a good time out without him. During our time in that house I became very ill with hashimoto's. Basically my thyroid just up and died. I was so tired all the time. I could barely function. By the time I got out of bed and showered in the morning, I could have gone back to bed and slept another 12 hours. I couldn't keep warm. Words cannot express just how awful that feeling is. I was an absolute wreck. He did nothing to help me. He didn't even recognise that I was ill. When I finally found a decent GP, she pretty much diagnosed it straight up. I went for blood tests and when I returned she said that I had the worst levels she had seen in her career, bar one woman who was in her 60's and morbidly obese. I asked her what would have happened if I had not been diagnosed. She said I would have lapsed into a coma and died. When I told my husband this, he played it down. But later confessed to his sister that he had thought I was just being lazy.
On top of all of this, I had gone from working part time to working full time. My husband still expected me to do all of the housework. All of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing etc etc etc. When I say he barely lifted a finger apart from going to work, I am not exagerating. Sporadically he would tidy up the yard. But more often than not the grass was about a foot high. Often when he started on the yard he would only half finish the mowing. Literally half way down each side of the house. If I asked him to help out with any of the housework he would chuck a paddy. If I asked him to do the yard he would say he would do it tomorrow and never do it. Or would do half. Or chuck another paddy about how hard HE had been working.
In the meantime the old house sold and we started looking for a new one to buy for ourselves. Sometimes he would be fine, awesome even. But always following a couple of weeks or relative civility and calm, the storm would start brewing. And then the storm would break. Always this cycle. And I gave as good as I took. He would calm down again, and I would think he had listened and realised how badly he was behaving. And the cycle would start again. Always enough good times to make you think things where changing and would be okay.
We bought a block of land and decided to build. Our first plans fell through due to a dodgy builder. We where wanting to have a baby. We had been wanting that for a long time. He had nagged me for years, but I wanted to be settled in our own home first. We decided to just go for it anyway, inspite of the house issues not being sorted. I fell pregnant immediately. So quickly that it didn't even occur to me that the reason I was feeling poorly was that I was pregnant lol. We where over the moon. When I had LM I was sorely disappointed in my husband. I had thought he would be a loving and supportive co-parent, but he was not. I could not even leave LM with him to do the grocery shop without him calling- even demanding, mid shop, that I needed to come home because LM was hungry! Apparently he couldn't make her a piece of toast or cut up some fruit to tide her over for half an hour. He was always wanting to do things on his schedule instead of on hers and would loose his temper when everything didn't run smoothly. If I wanted to go out without LM I had to do everything first- feeding, bathing, changing and putting her to bed if need be- or he would be absolutely impossible. The only thing he did in a fairly consistnt manner was walk her around the block of an afternoon. Putting on a good show for the neighbours. He would bathe her in the shower with him, but would make me undress her and pass her in and then I would also have to get her out again and redress her. He loved her. I know he does. He never complained about any money I spent that was for her. Ever. If she was ill, he would panic. But he would never put himself out for her unless he was in the mood, which was quite rare....

TBC

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#13 Pretty self explanatory ;) It doesn't get much better than that!

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#12 Babywearing. I love having my sweet boy snuggled in close. I love the way he does a little dance when he see's a sling comming. I love the way he almost always instantly calms down when I pop him in one. And I love that the one time someone tried to put him in a pram that he howled in protest so much that said person came back to the house asking for a carrier lol. I love the way he snuggles in and then quietly takes the world in :)

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#11 Breastfeeding. So grateful to be bfing this time around ♥ Makes everything so much simpler.

365 Reasons to be Grateful

‎#10 Peppermint tea on rainy days.... in a beautiful pot with a beautiful cup to drink from. This set was a beautiful early birthday gift from one of my best and oldest friends :)Such a lovely present, it will give me pleasure every time I look at it or use it :)

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#9 Small Friendships and first sleepovers. Also grateful for the freedom to be able to do this small thing....

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#8 Naughts & crosses with my little girl. I love the small moments we share. I am grateful for the time I get to spend with her.... Staying at home with her is a decision I will never regret :)

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#7 Creative and generous friends :D Thanks for passing these awesome creations on to us Leonie! Everyone, meet Daisy & Clarence ;)

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#6 Spatone.... love iron supplements that start to kick in within 24 hours. Hello energy and patience!

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#5 - I am grateful for my journey to meeting my small son. Out of all the sadness, fear & finally joy I have found such strength. I am stronger than I knew.... And I am grateful every day for the lessons I have learnt and for his presense in my life.

Sad Goodbyes

Today we said goodbye to my Nanna. She passed away on Thursday. She was not your typical Nanna. She had been married 3 times, liked scotch on the rocks, smoked like a chimney & would get very drunk and swear a lot. She was pint sized, stubborn as a mule and fiesty to boot. She had impeccable taste in decor. She loved birds and she loved gardens. She had a flair for making her houses homes. In her homes the coffee tables where always right at the right height, lamps lit comfortable chairs perfectly for reading in and 4BH was always on quietly in the background. Wherever you sat, your eye would be drawn to something beautiful. She could be vivacious and fun. Often she was also a nasty hell hag. But she was our hell hag. She was my Nanna, and I was the apple of her eye. When I was small I used to love visits to Nanna's house. She always had snake lollies in a jar in her pantry. She would buy me small jars of bo-peep lollies from darrel lea as a special treat. As soon as we walked in the door she would whisk me off to measure me on the back of her linen press door in the laundry, to see how much I had grown. I had a special bowl that she always put my meals in- a large retro ramekin that was black on the outside and pink on the inside. And always with the special teaspoon with the black handle. She had a beautiful poodle named Sunny. When Nanna would take me into the spare room and turn down the sheets at night, he would realise I was staying the night and go absolutely crazy with delight, jumping up and down off the bed lol... I can remember Nanna and I throwing his rawhide down the hallway for him to retrieve. And throwing good-o's in the air for him to catch in the kitchen. He had a massive dog door, which I took great delight in crawling through lol.
When I was older and had my own car, I would drive over to Nanna's and take lunch or some morning tea. Often when she heard someone comming to the door you would hear the sound of swearing :P But when she saw it was me, her face would light up and her arms would fly wide open. When I moved away got married and subsequently had LM I would still travel back to see her when I could. By this stage she was getting more frail. But one visit where I went alone with LM, she got down on the floor to play with her, and picked her up unaided to cuddle her. She was proud of me, and proud to be "the matriach" as she often called herself.
I am sitting here tonight wearing her tiny wedding band & missing her deeply. It is only just hitting me that she is gone forever. Her mind has been completely gone from us these past 2 years. She has been wasting away in both body and mind these last 2 years... no one deserves to perish that way. I hope that she has now found the peace she didn't have in this earthly life. She was a complete contradiction. She was unlike any of my friends Nanna's. Hell, she was unlike anyone I have ever met before lol. She was an experience. Inspite of her faults, I loved her so very dearly.... I will always remember her fondly and laugh when I remember her antics. Love to you Nanna, I hope you have found peace at last. Hugs to you, I am blowing you kisses as we always used to do... and send my love to Grandpa too. I miss him so very much as well, I know he would be on the other side waiting for you xx

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#4 Strawberries with raw organic jersey cream and book depository deliveries!

365 Reasons to be Grateful

#3 refurbished dining chairs - all hail Amy Butler and staple guns :)

365 Reasons to be Grateful

‎#2 Beautiful sleepy babies... who slept 6 hours and then 3 instead of waking every 2 hours ♥ Happy Days...